Final Fantasy VIII Fanfic.
by: Unknown.

SCENE: Our six intrepid SeeDs are standing in Ultimecia's Castle, before a pair of linked elevators.)

SQUALL: So basically we need to get people up there. (SQUALL points to the left-hand side of the balcony.)

IRVINE: Yeah. So we need to get the three heaviest people on the RIGHT elevator there, and it'll raise the lighter people up on the LEFT elevator just fine.

ZELL: Noo problem. (ZELL looks around.) Hey, Rinoa, how much do you weigh?

RINOA: Zell!!

(slap!)

ZELL: Oww! Hey! What was that for?

RINOA: That was really rude, asking me how much I weigh! You know I'm sensitive.

ZELL: Well... yeah, but we gotta get the three heaviest people...

RINOA: Are you saying I look heavier than IRVINE?!

(slap!)

ZELL: Yowtch! Quit it! That's not what I meant!

IRVINE: (to SQUALL) Should I resent that?

SQUALL: (to IRVINE) Nah. She's just like that.

ZELL: Well, I mean, you've got to be heavier than Selphie...

(slap!)

ZELL: Oww!

RINOA: You are SO rude.

(RINOA stomps off in a huff.)

ZELL: (mostly to himself) But Rinoa's definitely lighter than Quistis...

(whip-crack!)

ZELL: OW! d**n!

QUISTIS: I heard that.

ZELL: Geez, you women are so sensitive.

QUISTIS: Well, look. It's obvious that Selphie's the lightest, right?

SELPHIE: Booyaka!

QUISTIS: So we'll send Selphie, and Rinoa, and Zell.

ZELL: Me?! Why me? I've gotta be heavier than you... right?

(ZELL ducks.)

QUISTIS: Aren't you sweet. But no. After all... I'm taller than you are.

ZELL: You are not!

QUISTIS: Am so. The strategy guide says so.

ZELL: Aw, man...

IRVINE: Hey, Zell, I think you're supposed to slap her or something.

(whip-crack!)

IRVINE: Ow! Hell! What was that for, Quistie?

QUISTIS: Don't even go there, Irvine.

ZELL: But, anyway, why don't the three girls stand on the left-hand elevator there...

(whip-crack!)

ZELL: OW! OW OW OW!

QUISTIS: I'm not a girl. I'm a woman.

ZELL: DAMMIT, Quistie! You're eighteen!

QUISTIS: Even so. It's obvious I'm the most mature person here.

ZELL: Uhhh... right. So, anyway, the three WOMEN stand on the left-hand elevator, and us guys will raise you up so you can explore that room over there.

SQUALL: Uh uh. No.

ZELL: What now?

SQUALL: I'm not going to let the three women go off by themselves without one of us along to protect them.

(smack!)

SQUALL: Ouch! Selphie, what did you do that for?

SELPHIE: I can take care of myself just fine!

QUISTIS: Yeah, Squall. Whatever it is, we can handle it. I was a SeeD before you were, remember?

SQUALL: ...

QUISTIS: Oh, great, Squall's back in sulk mode.

SQUALL: I'm... not... sulking.

QUISTIS: Whatever.

SELPHIE: Rinoa! Come on back! We're going to go explorrrrrring!

(RINOA re-enters the room.)

RINOA: Great! I'm glad to see the guys got some sense for once! (to SQUALL) And don't think I didn't see you failing to stand up for me when Zell was insulting me, either. We'll talk later.

(All three women step into the left-hand elevator.)

ZELL: Ow... my head...

SQUALL: Tell me again why I put up with Rinoa?

IRVINE: Great knockers.

SQUALL: ... uh... okay, thanks, Irvine.

ZELL: Cripes, I'm glad my girlfriend's just a meek librarian's assistant without any whips or anything.

(smack!)

ZELL: YOWTCH! Selphie, what the hell was THAT for?

SELPHIE: (from the elevator) She's not your girlfriend yet! I had to hit you to bring you back to reality!

ZELL: With your NUNCHUCKS?

SELPHIE: (from the elevator) I can't slap you from in here!

IRVINE: d**n, now I know why they all have those ranged weapons.

SQUALL: Yeah, but you and I have guns.

ZELL: (staring at his fists) d**n. I really screwed up there, didn't I.

SQUALL: I don't know, Zell... your weapons are... are...

IRVINE: More portable.

SQUALL: Yeah, that's it. More portable.

ZELL: I think you're just trying to make me feel better because I didn't even have the sense to bring a knife to a gun fight.

SQUALL: ... Well, yeah.

IRVINE: Squall here brought both.

ZELL: d**n. No wonder he's the main character. He thinks of everything.

RINOA: (from the elevator) Come ON, guys! We're waiiiiting!

(The three men head out the door on their roundabout way to the right-hand balcony.)

IRVINE: Why don't we just leave 'em there for a while and go get some burgers?

ZELL: Can't, man. Time compression. They'll be overcooked and raw at the same time so they'll taste bad and you'll still get E.coli.

IRVINE: ... That doesn't make any sense at all.

ZELL: Tell me about it.

SQUALL: ...

ZELL: Hey, either of you got any aspirin?